I still can't fly

I wish I hadn't had hope, only to be crushed
I wish I could scream, instead of just weep
I wish I could run, but my power was drained

Limbo Rock

I am going through a limbo brought upon by my own doings. Honestly, I'm not feeling great. And there are people I carefully avoid cos I've got no freaking mood to entertain. I don't need consolations. I just need a breakthrough to make amends.

running out of time

It dawned upon me yesterday that I'm about to max my 3-month limit, as at end of this month. It's kinda scary but I've done all that I could. I mean some miracles gotta take place somewhere in the process, so that I can move on to embrace change and live the dreams.

If the talk and belief on universe conspiracy are all true, I now earnestly ask 老天爷,您忙完了吗? 忙完了可以在最近聆听我的心声吗? Then, 聆听后可以帮忙召集众神灵大显身手,使尽法宝让我如愿以偿吗? I'll map out the route thereafter, and of course with 老天爷's intervention every now and then.Must now increase my cosmic superpower to 10000 watts so that Laotian can connect with me soon.

By the way, the fengshui at my temp office is jinxing me. Fall sick on my first day at work but I saw it coming lar. I mean the building has a musty feel that no air freshener can hide. And the whole building looks so dim! It's one of those that sunlight doesn't penetrate through cos there's no window :(

J.U.M.P.

Joy
我不喜欢为五月天演唱会做观后文章, 因为我无法形容那种发自我内心的喜悦和感动. 但还是要为昨天的绚丽作点笔记啦!

Utopia
六个月的期待换来三个小时的甩, 跳, 喊, 乐. 怎一个'爽'字了得? Jump没带我离开地球表面但有带我穿越现实生活的苦闷,进入超high空间!

Magic
能和那么多位一样喜欢五月天的朋友在一起真的很神奇! 舞台几个动作就唤起统一反应, 很厉害!

Prince Ashin
阿信有意或无的放电眼神,看了会脸红...啊哟...很过分, 老天怎么可以把那么多长处,才华和可爱聚集于同一个人的身上?!!!

现在要怎么形容那精彩过后, 感觉空虚的心情落差? 要赶快找工作...哦不对,希望工作赶快来找我. 因为我要赚钱去看更多五月天演唱会, 而且要买最最贵的票ok!

Quarter one 2007, over.

Sian.

That's one word to summarise my first quarter of the year. All that had happened seems like a big joke to be reviewed today on April's Fools Day.

One wrong move after another but of cos, if life's every decision can be within prediction and control, it wouldn't have been a struggle. As usual, I better watch my mouth. Every word wagged with my tongue is ominous and often has karmic effect. By now, you have all heard about how my bad-mouthing of C having only bookies' bet slips to design had become a curse of my own predicament. And I'm afraid all my passing remarks of people's shortcomings and less desirable aspects would come back to haunt me sooner or later. Dear Omni-being, I know you are forgiving so please redeem all my sins. It's hard to change but I'll...try.

I can't do much from this point forward except wait for an opportunity to my desired career. Dammit! Why life's so difficult? Why life's so materialistically-operated? Is it a sin not to be richer? Meanwhile, I have to watch my spending...but...I'll get myself that Cherry-Blossom fragrance from that place that sells 'immortelle' water to celebrate my landing of new job (if it arrives at all). Shitz! I'm so useless! I cave in to material desires again!

So many things to do, so little money to do them all ~ my tour guide course, my keyboard lessons, my cafe business, my travel plans! Oh the Omni-being, shine more love on me please. And shine more love on all those who are worse off than me. At least I have luxury of having an option to look out for new jobs. Some don't, merely by default of their nationality.

The next time you read my blog, I hope to declare it 'cherry-blossom scented'. You can't smell it but I'll make you feel my joy.

something's gotta change

Negative energies beget negative outcomes.
Something's gotta change. Soon.

憨人 in quarter-life crisis

Watch it here.

* * * * *
我的心内感觉　人生的沉重　不敢来振动
我不是好子　嘛不是歹人　我只是爱眠梦
我不愿随浪随风　飘浪西东　亲像船无港
我不愿做人　奸巧钻缝　甘愿来作憨人

我不是头脑空空　我不是一隻米虫
人啊人　一世人　要安怎欢喜　过春夏秋冬

我有我的路　有我的梦　梦中的那个世界　甘讲伊是一场空
我走过的路　只有希望　希望你我讲过的话　放在心肝内　总有一天

看到满天全金条　要煞无半项　环境来戏弄
背景无够强　天才无够弄　逐项是拢输人
只好看破这虚华　不怕路歹行　不怕大雨淋
心上一字敢　面对我的梦　甘愿来作憨人

* * * * *

老天, 我仍然相信你是疼憨人的.
所以你会让我对环境不足所产生的心魔赶快离我而去.
你会让好运降临于我和我身边的人.
加油! Minty也加油!

misshh you like c(r)a...zh..ee..

i'm missing some people. i'm reminiscing some things. it's as though my heart is divided into many pieces with one tiny corner for each of them and these various parts have now co-joined to rip me apart.

working hard on spring cleaning should take care of this :S

WHATTHEFUCKWRONG SYSTEM AND HEAD

I'm so orbidgood again. A witch is a witch is a witch is a witch. Oh gawd I've erred. I should not have ventured against my instinct and intuition. Looks like I need out now. So, I'm on a lookout again. Interim plan: get a corporate job while keeping my fingers' crossed that the polys call me!!!

Pls pls do me a big favour. Keep me rooted to the job - I can't tender without a back-up plan. I have to ensure my life stays pocket friendly... :(

What's there to guess anyway?

Finally, every drop of ambiguity has been milked dry. I found the antidote the moment I read about it.

I hope not to see you for a long time from now. No contacts please.

Next Year, I'll Celebrate in Style

This year, I received the most expensive prezzie ever from my bro - a Toscano bag which costs him 1/5 of his $500 bonus he earned from his temp job! It's not very pretty. Not my kinda bag definitely but I'm so very touched :)

Like what Lyu said, at least I'm on the list of women he'll splurge expensive gifts on. I'm gonna find opportunity to take this bag out, no matter how misfitting it might look. Hahahaha.....!

And buddy sent me this surprise, all the way from Nottinghill:



Thanks bud, for always being the first to wish me happy birthday at the struck of 12am on 1st Oct.

Thanks Minty for the mesg at 1am despite your working trip. And LYu for eating out with me.

Next year, let us all celebrate in style.

Woes Begone

After a day of immersion in self-pity and weeping over what will be gone, or had gone, I'm back to normal. Maybe not quite yet but definitely better.

Thank you all for allowing my willful and pendulous mood swings recently.

And I don't wanna be alone

Bro’s gone to NS. Minty’s traveling tomorrow and will be away for nearly a week. XY’s going away in 3 days to London for 3 weeks. Minty’s setting off again during my birthday week.

Boohoo…I’ll be so alone. Though there’s lyu. There’s choy. There’s daffy. There’s shazz. There’s ah mie. There are so many more. But still, it’s not the same :( There are good friends whom you can call upon anytime, spontaneously and without having the need to explain too much. There are also those who have their own things to do and other stuff to take care of.

And my bro. Though we don’t talk a lot a home, it’s comforting to have him around. When I can find no meal kakis, I can count on him to eat with me and hear me mumble.

Sorry. I’m just feeling whiny. Still got to say this – pals, take care wherever u are. You know you’ll be missed.

highest high / lowest low

P used to ask, "What's your highest high and lowest low for today?". Nice way to count my blessings and thrash those rotten moments, I thought. Nice way too for concluding the day, emptying my negative thoughts and tucking away the good stuff somewhere in memory bank.

So,
My highest high for today: Finding out by chance that MayDay's Final Home DVD is out today and catching glimpses of that super duper concert in Taipei.

My lowest low for today:Feeling a tinge of betrayal of my trust on someone. Feeling lost about my whereabouts. And then there's C's departure - reminded by the email I sent to her when she first joined on board and the Jeff Chang's song @ Visma the very moment I set foot.

But,
I'm grateful for my 2 buddies who've been around for more than 1/2 of my entire life. Your love will see me through. As it always does.

My Grandma is One of a Kind

For my grandma. It seemed almost pretentious that I could write about her after her demise since we didn't really talk when she was around. But I saw more pretence amongst some people, which is probably best left unaddressed now.

-----------------------

My grandma was a dreamer. She believed she hold the key to Singapore Pools’ Toto winning formula. She was Sesame Street’s greatest fan and would watch it religiously for ‘inspiration’ to formulate her next bet. She never did strike a huge fortune, with the biggest winning only in the hundreds. But she shared all her prize money – bought us food, candies (when we were much younger) and once, even sponsored a trip for the family to visit our relatives in Indonesia.

My grandma was much naive. A patient at the hospital where my late uncle was receiving treatment had requested her to send a letter to the Philippines. Helpfully, she brought the letter home, asking me to complete the favour. She inspected the stamps I had glued on the envelope and told me the letter would not reach. She had noticed that I did not use Filipina stamps to send the letter from Singapore to the Philippines.

My grandma was quite a food-lover. She used to cook for the family and was the critic of mum’s cooking. She recalled recipes off her head and had a good appetite. The last time she could be fed through the mouth, she asked for green bean soup. But I knew she would rather have rojak, cha kway tiao or roti prata.

My grandma was a beauty. When sorting her things out, I found passport photos that chronicled her age. I noticed how emaciated she had looked in the most recent photo; I realised how much I had neglected her. She loved to look good and would draw her brows every morning. She would sometimes sigh at her wrinkled face. I think I chose the right photo in her memorial.

My grandma was a survivor. Most aches and pains were endured in silence. She escaped from a full stroke that could land her bed-ridden. The partial stroke left her still mobile, though less nimble.

Then, my grandma fell very sick. The onset was sudden and the cause unknown. She fought the bacteria hard and overcame it. A second attack seized her; she won again. However she did not score a hat-trick when hit the third time.

We had never been really close. My care for her had always been obliged in duty and respect. We seldom talked but she had always stood by when the family needed her. She loved her children and grandchildren. The proofs of her love, I leave it to every one of us to realise and remember.

And if she lived again, I wish we could know each other better.