Chain Reaction

where there's light, there's shadow
where there's shadow, there's fear
where there's fear, there's obstacle
where there's obstacle, there's conquest
where there's conquest, there's defeat
where there's defeat, there's struggle
where there's struggle, there's courage
where there's courage, there's victory.

~ co-written by LYu

Tell Me

be forthcoming with me if u're unhappy
dun make me feel bad
dun make me feel weird
I hate to be misunderstood

so dun sweep it under the carpet
maybe it'll do us good
if we shout at each other about it
if we come clean about it

Things that a woman who's too free does

When time is on my side, I wasted it away doing personality tests which I dun quite need. I've done all that are necessary and I've understood myself enough I think. Anyway, this reading is quite prophetic. It's like 90% me!

> > >

You are a wanderer. You constantly long for a new adventure, challenge, or even a completely different life.

You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. You feet may be on the ground, but your head is in the clouds.

Your near future is all about change, but in very small steps. The end of the journey looks far, but it's much closer than you realize.

< < <

But someone enlighten me pls - isn't it paradoxical to say I'm a wanderer and at the same time a grounded person?? Oh I know - I'm a wanderer who moves thru the ground! ;-)

For more tests that read you literally from head to toes, inside-out and upside-down, check out: www.blogthings.com

Before I Turn 30

I'm not in the best of moods recently. Last Friday, my system went cranky and I ended up having bouts of diarrhea, nausea attacks worsened by a fever that gave me cold feet and a hot bod. So that lasted through the weekend. The good side of things was an uncalled-for detox that flushes waste out and refuses an excessive intake of food. I had only 2 meals for the last few days and can't eat more than 1/2 bowl of solid carbo cos it gives me bloated tummy. I certainly hope this leads to weight loss. Maybe, I'll turn anorexic again ;-p

An unexpected guest also joined in the detox party. My dayima arrived, causing some upheaval within, on top of detoxing waste blood. Now I dun know if it's the cramps that's twitching or the bloatedness that's pumping discomfort on the walls of my stomache. Ok, whatever.

This post is supposed to be on what I want to achieve before I turn 30. And the most important step to achieving all the rest that I want to achieve, starts with (as advised by ol' wise Minty).............................TADANG!!! ~ Keeping the same job for the next 2 years!!! This bears no significance for a lot of people but it means a lot to me. The safest route to upping my savings start with having a stable income since I don't forsee myself striking toto anytime soon. With better savings, there are quite a few things I wanna do and I shall limit the list to just 3 feats:

• visit Japan
• learn a musical instrument
• pick up tour guide or photography course.

And I still have my 'Before I turn 29' list to complete, which is first and foremost passing my driving *gasp*...

Before I go, some photos taken during days on the run:

The photos that kids from Born Into Brothels had taken really put me to shame. There were so much colour and stories to tell in each of the images. This docu incidentally marks my first "solo" cinematic experience.

p/s for Bren: stop calling me Blueberry 嘴巴! It's all your fault that I paraded around Vivo with blueberries all over my lips!!

Machi Didi

My mamahood started 21 years ago on this day when a new bundle of joy arrived at home. I was 8 then and didn’t even know what labour pain feels like (anyway, I still dunno). But I picked up what a mum with a new born ought to know – preparing milk, changing diapers, cleaning the baby’s butts after poo…ok, before this entry turns out to be a Mother’s Day tribute to myself, let me introduce you to the F5 of the exceptional Chee family – my one and only DIDI who is everything his jiejie is not.

Under my care and upbringing, Didi has tasted all that nature has to offer, from poo to urine and the papayas plucked from the tree that flourished with the fertilizer that his rich excretion provided. While I’m sorry that I mistakenly served my poor Didi his virgin piss to quench his thirst on that fateful day many many years back, I must admit I’m not exactly remorseful that this has become a perennial joke amongst the Chees and our friends. Brudder, Jiejie knows you won’t be angry ;-)

The one thing I was really sorry about to this day was the one time I shouted through your ear while smacking you with the rotan for irritating the hell outta me when I was trying to catch some sleep. If your hearing was not as good as a result of this incident, Jiejie says A VERY BIG SORRY and bestows upon you an eternal amnesty for all (well, almost) the wrongdoings that you might make along the way.

I’m also apologetic for having ever doubted our blood relations. You can’t blame me cos you are everything against the family trend – you are skinny no matter how much you eat (do you know how exasperating that is for me?), you are ‘normal’ by normal standards with no nutty idiosyncrasy that your pa, ma and jie displayed and you don’t look like anyone of us – you are good-looking that even the aunty from 9th floor thinks you are F4 standard and the photographer of our family portrait thought you look like a rich brat from ACS! This said, I’m not suggesting that your jie pales in comparison with regards to the looks department. :p

This sounds clichéd but time really flies. I thought it was only yesterday that we pillow-fought, raced against each other with me proclaiming myself the champion all the time cos my legs were indeed longer than yours back then, watched Forrest Gump at Chinatown Point cinema together (and you asked me so many questions after the movie cos you didn’t understand) and shouted at each other every time I tried tutoring you that ma decided to send you to tuition class instead. Today, you walk faster than me, talk lesser than me, eat more than me and still shit more productively than me.

Now that we are both grown-ups, you beat me to several things like having a girlfriend (yes I know you’re attached ok) before the right guy can find me and I dare you to marry before your ah-jie settles down. You had won a prize at an open design competition when I had landed zilch despite being so talented. You bought me such an expensive gift during my last birthday when I haven’t gotten you anything so expensive to date (even on your 21st hatchday) cos I’m embarrassingly out of job again. Best of all, you stay firmly grounded and reliable unlike your sister who is in constant airy-fairy pursuit.

Happy birthday WeeWee! Thanks for being the brother that you are. You know I love you so. It would have been unimaginable to go through the last 21 years as the only child of this unbelievable family.

GREEN with envy?!

I don't mean to own the colour that belongs to Minty or even XY but according to a certain personality test developed by a Ritberger, I am characterised by the hue that the incredible hulk dons.

Most part of the analysis is nothing new to me but some readings caught my attention, especially when it explained my current 'in-between jobs' (yet again) predicament so eloquently. As I've mentioned, I've never wanted to keep hopping; it's an innate personality obstacle I just can't seem to overcome :p

"Greens are perpetually curious and always receptive to change. In fact, change is a necessary part of their lives whether it's at home, job, mate, lifestyle or image. Change is their middle name and if their life feels like it's in a rut, then they'll change every aspect of it."

Gosh, I hope by saying change is necessary part of my life in terms of MATE doesn't imply that I'm capricious to the point of being unfaithful.

Then there's a part of me that I've been analysing for a while now and the reading confirms it:

"Unlike other personality types whose natural tendency is to resist change, greens welcome the opportunity to experience new things, meet new people and learn new skills. The risk that greens face is that they're so open to anything new or unconventional that they may spend their lives flitting from one thing to another, never staying with one thing long enough to master it.

Greens have so many talents that it is difficult for them to choose one to focus on. For a green, why choose one thing when you can have it all. It's not uncommon for a green to approach midlife wandering why they've not reached their true potential. Part of their frustration results from the fact that they never stay with anything long enough to reap the rewards. Greens' lives usually read like a series of short stories with many different scenarios, each one its own adventure."

See everybody, I know I got so many talents and the problem is finding one that can sustain my interest long enough to really delve deep into it!

As for my interpersonal relationships and interaction, I know now why I always attract the 'socially-neglected' or the so called 'non-mainstream folks' (think Shawn D, K from XP, some primary skool mates and the stalker back in CGS days!):

"Greens are driven by the need to be liked and that need is so strong that they're vulnerable to attracting people who are needy or abusive."

And of course, all of you have known that I can be really sweet-tempered and a real bitch at the same time, because:

"Greens are the chameleons of the personality world. These usually gentle, amicable people often surprise others by becoming openly aggressive and hostile when they feel they're being taken advantage of or are not being appreciated as unique. This behavioral change throws other types off because a green will suddenly impose their wishes on others, telling them off or openly seeking revenge for perceived abuses."

Students or folks with lack of confidence need also to rub the dynamism from me as...
"Greens have the capacity to motivate and make others feel they can accomplish anything and they tend to take on a fearless persona. They love to be the centre of attention and lead others by their enthusiasm."

Please excuse me when you feel I speak without thinking. I can't help it, it's in my genes that "extroverted greens tend to think out loud and need input and direction. They'll openly seek emotional counsel from people when trying to make a decision."

In summary, the analysis actually compared my personality type to a car (well...I'm not too pleased with this cos it totally sounds unimaginative):
"The green's world is filled with optimism, dreams and fantasies. Their role is to create and learn. Greens are involved in life and respond to it with emotion and enthusiasm. In the automobile, the greens would be the rich leather seats, the eight-speaker sound system and the convertible top - the fun stuff!"

What are your thoughts on me being a GREEN?

My grandaunt prayed for me

I quote, verbatim, from the grandaunt who prayed so sincerely for me just before I left her house just now:

"In the name of our father jesus christ, please bless Ah Imn at her job with good salary and may it be stationery. Please protect her from the evil spirits and demons. Thank you oh lord. Amen."

I nearly burst out laughing when she prayed for my job being 'stationery'. Yea, I need that. Why are people around me so prophetic these days? And if you don't know, my grandaunt (por-por's elder sista) has been bedridden for 2 years now, and a lot of times she goes into delirium (today she claimed she has bought another bungalow for the family). So she makes damn alot of sense in this customised prayer for me, u know?

By the way, I'm not a big fan of jesus christ but this is nice lar.

Things I’ve Left Behind

One pair of flip-flops that was placed adjacent to mine

Two roomfuls of pride that once resided at the attic

Three keys that led to the space that I proudly call my own

Four storey of climb that never really helped slim me down

Five months of sporadic work at places which couldn’t hold me back a little longer
. . .

Pi the Libran

Charming Libra - the seventh sign of the zodiac.

Libra stands for harmony, fairness, equality, and balance. You are considered to be the most civilized and polite member of the zodiac, because you always display an even-tempered and composed attitude.

Your ruler Venus - the planet of love, sex, and beauty - influences you to strive to create harmony, to express and show affection, and to accommodate and please others. Its romantic, sensual, and seductive energy makes you a suave and relationship-oriented person. Libra is the second of the air signs, giving you the ability to stand back and look impartially at all matters, always seeing and considering both sides before arriving at a decision.

You are sociable, tactful, and have great empathy for others, which makes you a much sought-after mate, especially since you are so refreshingly energetic, loving, and honest. Your sign rules the seventh house of the horoscope, the sector associated with other people who act as your mirror. Therefore, it describes the nature of your relationships, both business and personal, as well as your experiences with marriage and partnerships.

Your sign's mode is cardinal, meaning that you actively try to improve and work on your relationships by reaching out, making compromises, and inspiring trust in them.

Your strengths, dear Libra, lie in your diplomatic approach to dealing with others. Your strong sense of fairness makes you the perfect mediator and peacemaker, because you always manage to stay objective and consider all points of view before making a decision.

But even you have weaknesses, dear charming Libra! For example, you can be frivolous and decadent, and place value on the superficial. Sometimes, especially when you are indecisive, you can be vague, shallow, and insincere. In certain situations, you are tempted to define "fairness" to your own advantage.

* * * * *

I consider myself very Libran, exhibiting about 80% of the true libran characteristics.

Out of the Poos Pit

Me wif all the rare good folks of the Poos Pit

Haha I purposely dress up for today! Pweety r........ight?

Mutiny on a Bounty

I know by now the rate at which I move in and out of a job is giving the false impression that my actual profession is perhaps job-hopper and not a communicator :p

Eh, please don't be misled ok! Job-changing is hellalot of pain. Imagine going through the search process all over again, worrying over the bread-and-butter issues, having to know new people, and adapting to a whole new work culture. It's really not easy, I'm sure you know. With age catching up, you think I enjoy this? No way! But as usual, those who know me enuff know that it's hard for me to just make do. Making-do is not me. I'm a Go-getter, and that's why I'm a go-getter who has achieved nothing much till this day...hehe..

For the purpose of updates, I've tendered (with no exact plans next except to wait for a more suitable job). Not that I thick-skinned but my resignation triggered off a mutiny of exodus. The company lost nearly 50% of my team. My designer tendered. My direct boss tendered too and he was there for barely 1.5 months. GDI! He broke my record ~ I was there for 2 months ok! Leaving the job by end of the year was something at the back of my boss' mind but me leaving caught him off-guard and he expedited his plans. You know why? Cause my absence will have resulted in his loss of a defence line. See lar, for all the nonsense I am, I'm such an important person to so many people ok!

The remaining team will be facing a hostile take-over by a woman I've so fondly nicknamed the "hyper-ventilator". I must give her thumbs-up for her long-windedness (yes bud, you are not the worst) and thumbs-down for being such a stress ball, or a ball of stress to be correct.

I'll be leaving behind a good team but f**ked-up organisation as a whole. Good luck to my mates who have made my short stint a little bit more bearable. My relationship with that puddle of water shall remain purely as customer-seller. I'll win them BIG one day.

The Pals Checklist

I've been thinking for a while now, on where I draw the line and set the standards on who qualifies as pals. My standards are as capricious and erratic as me myself. While the quality of friendship is not defined by time, there's no way I can deny that my best pals are those I've known for the longest.

As a self-check, and to keep myself rooted, I've decided to put up a checklist (among my many other checklists) of how to sort out the psuedo-pals from the real ones. Entry to the privileged REAL pals list is automatic, needs no application and not subject to your approval.

1) Someone who shares my level of crappiness, liking for some songs and preferences for some food is not necessarily a good friend.

2) Someone who (thinks) share my frequency and remembers every bit of the things I've said is a friend but not necessarily a pal. For palship to develop, there must be mutual exchanges and willingness from both sides to let each other into each other's lives.

3) Good friends check on your well-being every now and then. Good friends doesn't let you take all the initiative in planning to meet up or keep in contact. Good friends shares your joy and pain and won't take credit for having made life better for you.

4) Palship is not about befriending a nice good person. It's about hitting it off and a certain degree of attraction / agreement to each other's personality, value systems and background.

5) Palship is as queer as love relationship. It's an equation that is not simply derived or rewarded by compatibility, perseverance and one party's willing intention. It takes two hands to clap and a whole lot of chemistry to make it work, and last.

All the above said, I'm taking some names out of what I'll consider as friends and relegate them as acquaintances. For those who have been nice, my deepest appreciation, but point 2 and 4 still apply. Oh...feelings....you are such an unfathomable thing!

Hostage

I've been released as a hostage. He's attached. Good. I must really move on now. First, me and Joe ;)

to my credit

Talking to XY yesterday gave me an idea to blog about this - a list of things that are invented and made popular by me!

1) the "swear-off my own body part" theory in the form of "Neh-Neh". But I strictly stay off "CB" simply becos my surname should not be something I swear with.

2) the phrase "鸟不垃圾" - it's a wrong use of "鸟不拉屎" which means a place so ulu that even the bird doesn't shit there. I thot my "niao bu la ji" sounds more power and it's used to mean anything that doesn't make sense to me. Example, "这是什么鸟不垃圾的东西?!"

3) the birthday 'any prezzie' voucher. and I'm not talking about cash vouchers from the various retail brands and outlets. It's a self-created birthday prezzie voucher used to stall time especially if you haven't had time to buy present for the recipient. Voucher reads something like "Exchangeable for Birthday Prezzie Worth Up to $80" with terms and conditions that limit to one-time redemption by a certain expiry date.

4) "Lai-lai" for Kim Rae-won 金来元. I think XY doesn't think much of this but it's my pet name for one of our fave Korean stars!

5) the L.O.V.E. catch phrase - it stands for "Looking Out Very Eagerly" and how aptly it summarises our current love life.

More to come.

Quarter one 2007, over.

Sian.

That's one word to summarise my first quarter of the year. All that had happened seems like a big joke to be reviewed today on April's Fools Day.

One wrong move after another but of cos, if life's every decision can be within prediction and control, it wouldn't have been a struggle. As usual, I better watch my mouth. Every word wagged with my tongue is ominous and often has karmic effect. By now, you have all heard about how my bad-mouthing of C having only bookies' bet slips to design had become a curse of my own predicament. And I'm afraid all my passing remarks of people's shortcomings and less desirable aspects would come back to haunt me sooner or later. Dear Omni-being, I know you are forgiving so please redeem all my sins. It's hard to change but I'll...try.

I can't do much from this point forward except wait for an opportunity to my desired career. Dammit! Why life's so difficult? Why life's so materialistically-operated? Is it a sin not to be richer? Meanwhile, I have to watch my spending...but...I'll get myself that Cherry-Blossom fragrance from that place that sells 'immortelle' water to celebrate my landing of new job (if it arrives at all). Shitz! I'm so useless! I cave in to material desires again!

So many things to do, so little money to do them all ~ my tour guide course, my keyboard lessons, my cafe business, my travel plans! Oh the Omni-being, shine more love on me please. And shine more love on all those who are worse off than me. At least I have luxury of having an option to look out for new jobs. Some don't, merely by default of their nationality.

The next time you read my blog, I hope to declare it 'cherry-blossom scented'. You can't smell it but I'll make you feel my joy.

By 18th April

Find a job,
And stop the hop.
Throw the letter,
Move to the better.

Start afresh,
Make a dash.
Give my best,
While having a rest.

Pick up zest,
For next big quest.
It won't take long,
To right the wrong.

something's gotta change

Negative energies beget negative outcomes.
Something's gotta change. Soon.

Pi-brain. Pea-brain?

I've lost a quarter of the year. Searching, hoping, lamenting then searching again. A bit of a dismay at times but still not losing hope cos this is the journey of any great people. And as you've guessed it, I count among one of the greats :p

I've been thinking for a while now that I suspect I've degenerated from the fabulous pi-brain to a pea-brainer (yes, despite being pea-brained, I can still think that I'm a pea brainer). I refuse to think hard at work, refuse to absorb any info that I consider in the category of "for the highly-intellectual", and refuse to put in my best for work. I stubbornly assert that I'm in life vacation mode for at least the next 2 years and I should be ready for the next spur just before I turn 30.

I'm like a plant nearing wither and badly needs to ingurgitate new doses of nutrients. While I liberate myself from the burden of having to perform and give my best in the arena I work in, I wish to gain from what my environment can give me instead. In a nutshell, I'm badly in need of a paid learning opportunity. That's why I thought lecturing will suit me great this time. We can learn loads from the kids!

Onto the next quarter, I hope things will look up. My knots boil down to my internal barrier which I can't cross. Perhaps one of my greatest strengths is my very high level of self-awareness and my weakness' the lack discipline and grit to overcome or make do with situations. I rather move on and pursue what might interest and engage me more. Sorry pals, I've let you down on what I've tasked you to do.

I'm also sure my critics (as if I'm some celeb again) would pin this down as a personality flaw - what's wrong with me? Why can't I hold down a job? But I really have a lot I wanna do and can do well in! I want to retire with a glorious resume that lists entrepreneur, lecturer, part-time lyricist, author, tour guide, presenter/emcee, designer, entertainment beat reporter, part-time singer, volunteer, entertainer, and maybe politician in my colourful career. Perhaps what I want to do is as whimsical as myself and I guess my ultimate pursuit is being happy where I am, to bring joy and some positive effects in making life interesting for people around me.

ps: I realised my blog's "Pi's Picks" (see right bar) lists Music and Lyrics as one of the choices. Little did I expect this to be a title of a movie running in the cinemas now.

Top 10 Reasons Why I Want to be a K-drama Female Lead

Photo from "Which Star Are You From"

1) There'll be not just one BUT TWO very eligible male leads fighting for my love!

2) If I'm not rich, my guy will definitely be!

3) In less than 20 episodes (or 20 hours), I would have gone through the most touching, memorable and enviable love story on earth.

4) By the end of the series, the world's most aloof guy would have opened his heart to me and changed to be a better man all in the glorious name of my love.

5) It doesn't matter that I'm not getting younger and that my figure's plump. I'D STILL ENJOY ATTENTION FROM AT LEAST 2 MEN!

6) My mobile phone subscription will hit the max plan utilisation with the male lead bombing my inbox with SMSes and voice mesgs when he can't seem to find me for the whole day.

7) I would have new clothes to wear every single day and they somehow just make fashion statements that all gals want to be spotted wearing tees over tights.

8) Suddenly my usual brash and loud ways would become so adorable and be seen as uniquely captivating by not only the male leads but also audience who have gotten glued to the box set.

9) Somehow, even if I wasn't supposed to be rich, I wouldn't need to work a lot and I can spend time bickering with my guy all day!

10) Last but not least, marriage is such a romantic affair without having to worry about queuing for HDB flat.

Cast me as Kim Sam Soon Number 2!!!

The day will come...

when i can typically spend my week like this:
Monday at my own cafe, doing some sums while people watching
Tuesday in school, sizing up cute boys and hopefully imparting some useful knowledge
Wednesday in the bookshop, at the movies or stay home to catch romance comedies with great ending
Thursday with the tourists on tours to my fave neighbourhoods
Friday at the cafe again, hosting some frens or just while my time away re-reading my Harry Potter for the nth time.
Saturday doing some volunteer work, watching concert or pa-tor-ing if my guy has found me by then
Sunday taking my family out for breakfast, doing some chores at home (assuming I'm still the house's default ah-sum), planning my next trip or post more interesting blog than this.

The day will come...hor?